yay spring.

During the musical, Zada and I used to hide under the bed backstage and watch for people coming through the see-through fabric of the bedspread... and we commentated their steps in growly monster voices. "Right. Left. Right. Left. Stop. Turn. Right. Right. Left. Right. Stop. Bend over. YOU FOUND ME!!!" we did it every single night during intermission, before the show, ect...it was so fun. People always got so confused, because they thought they were alone in the empty hall...

Today, as I walked to class and to my car, I could hear us in my head...right, left, right left. The funny voices were gone. And I realized that I was not commentating my movements--I was trying to motivate them.

It wasn't funny anymore.

welll im in a good mood.

dance has gone really well, i love love love my tap class....

and i danced soo hard yesterday, and im not sore at all, i feel GREATT!!!!!! it was almost easy, and after practicing it and getting it in my muscle memory so i wouldnt have to think about it, it was just effortless. except for the sweat pouring down my back, but i can deal with that.

today i gave my speech, and i completley and totally went up unprepared, but everyone said i looked so confident and i was very assertive, and my speech was really interesting and engaging and they liked it!!! yay!!

after school a couple kids from mt came over...we practiced dance till our clothes were soaked, made up our choreography for tomorrow, practiced monologues, ate ice cream, went running, threw walnuts at passing cars, and critiqued eachothers performances. it was so fun...i love theater kids

i am really loving my classes, too. they are hard, but i love how they challenge me. i love the people in them and ive made new friends already. a few need to learn how to keep their hands to themselves, but they'll catch on after they've had them slapped a few times...usual drill. ;)

and lets just say being able to come home during lunch saved my butt today...normally i would have had to call mom, go home and change, and come back...so yeahh it was nice to be able to just leave. :D you would think i would learn to be more prepared..hahaha.

and i am definitley losing weight. yesss. i just LOOK thinner. and yeahh it feels good. totally worth the food i skip out on and the sweat i lose in constant running and dancing.

aaaannnd i have tentative plans for this weekend...just waiting for the response from this guy... i really hope it works out, i'll feel horrible if it doesnt...i dont even know HOW many times he's asked me out, and i've always had a good reason why i cant....family in town, homework, can't drive, hanging out with friends, going to camp, ect ect... but he keeps trying and it makes me feel really sorry for him. clarification: that is definitley NOT why i want to hang out with him. He is pretty dang awesome. I don't do pity dates. anyway. i really hope we can get together this weekend, because i have free passes to gokarting and theres a ton of other stuff we can do...fun fun. :D

uggh. school is starting to get to me...still, im on top of my work...so yay.
only thing im really looking forward to is dancing my butt off tomorrow...for 2 hours and 45 minutes. the next day is an easy one, only 2 hours. halleluja. my life is so great.

so im not really sure how im feeling. i think i did something that may or may not end up blowing up in my face...if it doenst, itll be great, but if it does i am dead dead dead. i guess you just have to take risks in life sometimes. but im getting a feeling this is a risk i could have lived without taking.

my feet kill right now.

and i am very hungry. i had a peice of toast for breakfast, and two peices of toast for lunch. hmmm. not a very balanced diet.....i should fix that, but im too lazy. haha.

im just exhausted...from everything. sleep deprivation, hard work, excercise, and social stress. blaahhh.

i guess i just feel... i dont even know...

im trying to figure out who i am, and who i want to be. and i just dont see anything...i have an idea of things i want to do, except not since im soo confused...but right now im just lost. what do i believe? how do i feel about stuff? what is my reaction to that? who the heck am i?? its not really set. i could be whatever i want to be. i could be shy or stupid or smart or outgoing or slutty or conservative if i wanted to be...ive always felt like i knew who i was and what i was like, and i could write a description of my characteristics noo problemm... now i dont know. i dont even know if im tall or short, thin or in need of losing a few. i dont know my own mind, and ive always been so opinionated and certain of everything.

all i know is i love music.

i dont know if i can say anything else about myself for certain.

My Smiles

I really don't have much to blog about, so I'll just write the good things.
fresh blueberries
Pantenne shampoo and conditioner
talking on the phone with elise
new makeup
camelback waterbottles
baguettes and brie
clean, green grass
a full tank
new towels
paycheck
finishing a good book
fruit leather
fully charged phone
white dresses
clean, tight jeans
carmex
chinn chinn's
late night walks
giving rachael hand massages
bear claw
watching the stars come out
painted toes
sweating...i know thats weird but when i'm running and sweating so bad it feels amazing
looking at the moon...and crying because it is so beautiful
losing weight
complimenting strangers
hot sun
kiwi
flowers in a vase
going to south haven with mom and dad....and walking along the pier in the rain and storm
big rings
belly laughs
quelf
pictures
writing in my journal after a simple, uneventful, good good good day
waking up with a cold breeze on my back
wild rice
being alone
straightening ruth's hair
smiling
driving with the windows down
shopping with friends
bonfires
back rubs
funny stories
hearing people use big words...and knowing what they mean!!
invitations
staying up late just to sit alone in the dark, listening to the silence, the peace
singing
knowing you made someone happy
a new razor
contemplating college!!!
night lights
meowing at yappy dogs
ultimate frisbee
hanging out with mom
kisses
sunglasses
mail
the picture elise sent me!!
walking in the rain
funny stories
random texts
bad movie nights with mary beth
playing what not to wear at target
new swimming suits
visiting kim and angus
raspberry lemonade
my little neices and nephew
paintballing
canoeing
dates
dances with emily!!
pranks
capture the flag
loud music
waking up completley well-rested

well, those are the things i can think of right now that make me happy. what are your smiles?

A weekend at the temple with Kim, Mom, and Dad

So it turns out I've been in a really really bad mood the past few weeks. I didn't realize how miserable I was until Kim stepped into the car Friday night, and suddenly I was unbelievably and incredibly happy. I had forgotten how happy I can be. The ride up to Chicago was a blast, we were so loud and crazy and I felt like an 11-year-old I was laughing so much. I felt completely and totally myself...I was way more outgoing and friendly, and talked to pretty much everyone we passed and sat around in the restaurant Kim picked out... I asked the people waiting next to us what food they liked, and that started a conversation with them...I stopped in the middle of a conversation with Kim to tell a man passing us that I loved his shirt...it was purple. Turns out he was the manager...so WHY did we not get free dessert? ;) And we made really good friends with our waiter. In another restaurant on Saturday I made friends with a lady in the restroom, and we somehow started talking about her job--she teaches 6th grade history. I said, "Ohh I loved 6th grade history, I loved studying the different cultures in the world." She asked if I was a teacher, and what my subject was. I laughed and said, "Oh, no, I'm not." She said, "What is your profession?" I laughed again, "I'm 16." "SIXTEEN? Wow...you really don't--goodness. Well, compliments to you, you are no average sixteen-year-old!!" I laughed and told her to have a great school year as she left. Kim came out of the stall grinning. Anyway, I was just much more friendly and happy and random... more like myself than I've been in weeks!! It felt good to be back.

It also felt good to fall back into the traditions Kim and I have developed over the years...roommate scripture study, devotional and prayer, getting up too early, eating breakfast and playing egyptian rat screw, and falling back asleep...getting ready together and sharing eyeliner and such things. I like going out to eat with Kim, because it's like getting two meals...we just automatically share. She had a really good rice pilaf and steak quesadilla that I attacked while she massacred my mashed potatoes and french onion soup.

The temple was beautiful as always, though a little rushed. I would have liked to have a few minutes to sit in the waiting room and read scriptures, instead of being rushed about and told to change as fast as I could...and have problems with sizing...they gave me a small, and I needed an extra large. Much to the consternation of the temple workers, they do NOT stretch, and I am not sorry at all for my long torso--If I fitted the clothes they gave me, I would be 4'3" and weigh 200 pounds. Thank goodness I don't. Still, It was a wonderful experience, and it was great to share it with Kim and my parents. I think one of my favorite feelings in the world is reaching out to take Daddy's hand as I step into the font...and seeing his smile, and hearing Hannah's name inside my head...I rarely think of her, anymore...but I never step into the font without her name bursting out of nowhere into my head. Hannah, it's been 4 years since I was baptized for you, and I don't think I'll ever do temple work without hearing your name. I'll remember.

I've also decided one of the most beautiful things in the world is Mom in her temple clothes...I was watching her standing against the wall in a simple, flowing white dress....and her dark skin, hair and eyes were striking in contrast. She is so gorgeous.

I don't really have much to write about...I'm just in a really good mood. I'm so excited for seminary to start, and I'm not completely dreading school. I've decided that I don't really need friends, acquaintances are good enough. I'm not going to go into school looking for a Kim that isn't there. I'll just focus on school, voice, work, and the musicals, and visit Kim and Angus as often as I can, and hang out with my family the rest of the time. I've become really good friends with Mom and Dad, and I want to make these last few years special, because I know if I waste my time being rebellious and difficult I won't ever get a chance to do these years over. Maybe I'll try to make new friends in the stake, too...all of my old friends are gone...Emily, Justin, Eric, Aubrey...Jessica McInnes is moving to Vegas in a few months.

I applied for a job at Aeropostale...we'll see how that goes. Mom and I have come to an agreement that I can work 10 hours a week, if I keep my grades up. Which I will. ;)

Yeahhh, I guess I have a pretty boring life, but I had to give my sisters SOMETHING to read... see, this is why I never post!! It's boring, and what isn't I really can't say online. ;)

A Guilty Blog

I felt so guilty watching Mary Beth check my blog when I hadn't posted in months, especially after she responded to my inquiry with "I keep hoping"...cut me to the core.

...not that I have anything interesting to write about. I just felt like I really needed to write.

Since my little tantrum last week over my self-esteem issues, I have, according to the bathroom scale, lost about 10 pounds. My heart returned to normal, and I stopped putting so much trust in that stupid little scale. Still, I've been making a consistent effort to eat lots of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I try to sleep more and I've been exercising more frequently--I'm going to go for a run once I finish this post. Even if it's not really making a true difference in my weight, I FEEL better about myself, and so when I look in the mirror I tend to look for the good things more.

I babysat for 10 hours today, and it was pleasantly uneventful. I was exhausted, I had a hard time sleeping last night, and I felt guilty that I kept zoning out before bringing myself firmly back to consciousness. Still, we had fun-- I made quesadillas for lunch, and was very amused to hear Jonah whisper to Reid, "I LIKE babysitters that can cook!!"

I ran to voice after work, but even though I had all green lights on the way there and I left work 15 minutes earlier than usual, I was 10 minutes late. Still, we got a lot done in my lesson, and I left with renewed determination to throw myself into my practice.

I stopped at Target and did some quick shopping, and stopped at the Bank--an hour after it closed--to deposit my check. Or not. Guess I'll get that done tomorrow.

I still have so much to do before the summer ends--I need to read Arabian Nights, find a tap dance class for this year, and apply for a job at Gander Mountain. This last is probably the most exciting. Excited at the prospect of possibly working there, also excited to maybe be able to answer the working question with "Gander Mountain." ...it just sounds so...impressively awesome. BUT. I don't think I will be able to apply for another month or so. Mom wants me to take the ACT before I get a job...which makes me very doubtful I will be able to find anything, that long after school starts. I have a hunch this is a plan of hers--she isn't very excited about me working at all. But when I need serious financial help in college, I can just say, "Hey, I got a scholarship, and I didn't work, when I could have done both." ...No... I know that'll never happen. Even if I really do need help...I feel really uncomfortable asking my parents for money.
...anyway. If Gander Mountain doesn't work out, I hear McDonald's is hiring. Like that, Mom?

...ok, well I'm in a pretty foul mood right now, and I sense a fight coming on if I stay in the house much longer. I think I'll run upstairs and change and run around outside until I'm too exhausted to move...

Oh!! soo soo soo soo soo excited--Mom and Dad are going to the temple this weekend, and I was going to spend the weekend at Kim's. Then Kim and I talked it over and decided to jump on the bandwagon, and go to the temple, too. I'm really excited to see her and go to the temple--I haven't been there in a while.

...meanwhile, I'm seriously considering getting purple highlights in my hair. Mom and Dad keep making comments about me trying to be rebellious...I figure if they are going to accuse me of such a thing, I should at least deserve it. What think you? Is purple good, or should I go with something more obvious--maybe a bright, obnoxious green. ;) love you both.

Random post for Mary Beth cuz I Promised

Yesterday, I was walking home with a friend from school, waving at the cars that honked as they went by, singing to the music, tripping each other, commenting on random things...and this moment happened.

Mallori: The sky is really clear today. Like, really clear.

Rosalind: Yeahh and it was super cloudy this morning. The sun evaporated all the clouds.

Today, in class we did a scene from Huckleberry Finn. We had our scripts on the table, and the window was open--and a BIG wind winded in, and blew them all over, and we couldn't figure out their order...so we improvised...and Mallori started stealing things and stuffing them down the front of her dress. I asked her a question and she turned around--and I choked. She had 2 differently sized apples and an orange in the front of her dress. I said, "What happened to you?" She said wildly, "I hit puberty....please, Mum, don't say nuthin', fer it's awful embar'sing for a poor gal like me, y'se." "Oh...well...take a cheer..." We sat--I stared at her...and said conversationally, "You know, usually people just start with two." ...She picked up some bread and asked me about the crime.

Two days ago, Mom and Dad were talking about someone Mary Beth is working with that has to look at Porn videos...I said, "But--isn't that illegal?" "Yes." "Then why--I mean, that's like stealing music...they're not paying for it!!"

Last night, our wonderful Young Women's leaders did a spa night for us...pedicures, ect. Very brave, I wouldn't have wanted to touch those girls' feet...especially in flip flop season...anyway. There was this one wax treatment for your feet--you dip your feet in a tub of hot wax 3 or 4 times and let it dry and peel it off.
...I was brave enough to try it.
...I have the greatest sympathy for those who have suffered through chinease torture.
It was so painful...and as i pulled my foot out...some of the wax got on the church carpet. and soaked into it. And dried. And will remain there forever.

Song That is Running Throughh Ma HEADD: Tension and the Terror by Straylight Run.
...give it a listen. good song...

...Tounge Tied, by Faber Drive, is pretty good too...so is Moment of Truth by FM Static, and Roses and Butterflies by Making April....
yeahh and tons of others, I have wayy too much music...OHH and Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson!!! Dont'cha Lovvee music!!??

....SOO life is going pretty good latley...I'm happy...School is extremely stressful, since...I have exams tomorrow and next week and then I have the week before all the REST of my exams and then the Normal School Exam week...blahh. I'm ready for my dance final--I choreographed a contmeporary dance to "Take Me As I Am" from Jekyll and Hyde, I did a paper on Ann Reinking and her carrer as a choreographer, I filled out 2 pages of notes on famous choreographers and steps and forms of dance and how they came to be...I know all the steps I'll be asked to do for the practical portion and I think I'll be o.k. in the audition combination...
What I need to do now is focus on getting my application for MTV turned in or Mulay will have my skin--Oh, i need pictures for that...and I need to memorize my monologue and turn in my song analysis to Corlyn and memorize my audition songs for my musical theater exam... ...and then I will read Alice In Wonderland, which was supposed to be done today, but I'll start it tomorrow, and I will memorize a few pages of it to recite next wedensday, and then I will relax for a few minutes before I start studying for my other exams...
...and try to catch up on 6 months worth of seminary reading....and take the final course of Drivers' ed and my driving test and start working 10 hour days and get ready for a bunch of trips.
I am so glad my life is so easy and relaxinggg...
...but hey, at least I have friends that I will hang out with someday when I am not busy, and sisters I can talk to someday when I am not insanely sleep deprived and grumpy....
...I need to get my priorities straightened out...

oh, opinions on the MTV production...should I do it? Is it worth the time and stress during school and the summer? Should I focus on school right now and worry about that stuff when I'm out of high school?? I really don't know what to do--where is my life goingg???!!! opinions, help, suggestions, PLEASE anything.