My body is alive.
I feel the energy twisting around in my core.
My heart is beating and my blood is flowing and my nerves are tensing to react to my world.
I open my eyes.
Lying in bed, I breathe in the joy of BEING. I smile, snatch up my glasses, and sit up.
My room is cleanish. It has a few shirts on the floor and yesterday's skinny jeans wadded up where i dropped them before climbing into bed. My mousse and hairspray are on my bookcase instead of the basket where they belong, because they are closer to the mirror there. My bed is under the window, my clothes are color coded into place in the closet.
Same old.
And it doesn't work for me.
Today is different. I am alive today, and the world is watching me. My room can't be like this...It represents me. It's time for a change.
Around 7 a.m. the house wakes up, and my furniture is rearranged, my floor is vacuumed, and my not-good-enough clothes are in bags to get dumped somewhere else.
I don't have plans, I don't have anywhere to be, but I shower and do my hair and makeup so I look like the knockout I am, because there is no WAY I'm staying around the house today in THIS mood. Today, I will be out there being fun and gorgeous and spontaneous, and everyone else will be rushing to keep up with me. Today, I am at the top of my game. I'm going to kiss a boy....I'll decide who later. I'm going to buy a new outfit because anything I already have, I ALREADY HAVE. Something new. Something hott....just not as hot as me. Duh, that's not possible.
Welcome to Mania.
---
I've called 6 girls and no one can go to the mall.
Losers. So what if I didn't plan this yesterday? I want to go, and I'll go without them...I don't want to wait for them anyway.
So I go by myself. My head is up, and I have the sparkle in my eye that says "I know you're looking at me. Can't help being awesome."
But all the stores suck. And I can't find anything I like.
Panic.
My stomach tightens, I feel shaky, and I am angry and frustrated and I am NOT leaving this building until I find something that WINS.
If I don't, I've failed, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, nothing fits, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I hate malls!!!!
Panic.
Well, I know I'm being silly.
I go to Wal Mart and buy one of their cute v-neck tees that are super loose... only 5 bucks, but it'll give me the same calm and satisfaction. It's buying something that looks good on me... not as good as me, but the world isn't perfect.
Later that night, I'm driving home from something that didn't feel as good as it was supposed to and what if I'm bored of kissing and I'm irritated and completely unsatisfied.
My core is uncomfortable.
And my mind is uneasy...
I don't feel fabulous, I feel depressed and I want everything I can't have. I don't have a jawline and my stomach isn't flat and I hate clothes, why can't everyone just be naked, I look better naked than in clothes anyway, clothes make me look fat, and nothing is satisfying, and my stomach won't stop feeling CRAPPY, and I feel lonely and angry and dissapointed.
I don't want a boy toy. I want a relationship.
...but if I had woken up this morning with a boyfriend, I would have called him to break up.
I lean against my bed, and, feeling bored, lonely, but still fascinated with how awesome my body is, I start picking at the little not-so-awesome things. I hate that mole...I want it to go away, It looks ugly!!
5 minutes later, I'm watching the blood slide down my side from what used to be a little imperfection on my stomach.
That'll scar.
But I feel more relaxed. Pain does that to you. It really does make you feel better... It's a free drug to your brain, a fast yoga class, and a fascinating phenomenon. One second I'm whole, the next I'm bleeding...blood is beautiful. Good invention, Heavenly Father...It is so romantic and sad at the same time.
My brain hurts and I'm tired and irritated and this day sucked.
I fall asleep, staining the sheets, and I wake up to a weary and listless day...
A day in my 16-year-old life.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
To My Family
After 13 long years of public school, I am finally finished! I will graduate on May 26th from
My childhood: the freedom of running barefoot through the dandelion-strewn lawn in Ohio, venturing into the woods to discover my poison ivy allergy, and swinging joyfully on the coveted yellow swing started my life off with a strong love for nature and physical activity. Music introduced itself from the guitar of John Baker, the gentle voices of my parents, and my sisters’ piano practice. In elementary school, I learned the pain people could cause one another. I discovered what it meant to be alone. In middle school, I developed my voice, which people admired, and my dancing, which people discouraged.
High school was a new world…a place where I could be whatever I wanted to be, and more often than not, several things at once. I further developed my voice, intellect, and dancing, until people viewed me as accomplished in all three of them. I struggled to “find myself”, and finally realized that while no set of characteristics could describe me, a dictionary of adjectives could. I made mistakes. I cried and laughed hysterically through minor car accidents, but remained totally calm when my Toyota Camry was totaled. I saw pain I had caused in the eyes of people I cared about. I felt the damage I had inflicted on my relationship with Heavenly Father. I did what I could to make up for my shortcomings, and learned that when I can’t do anything else, I can let it go. In the midst of panic and uncertainty, I somehow found peace within myself. And with it, I found my calling in life—to bring people to acceptance and serenity.
So I leave High School with a love for dance, music, and people, ready to move into a new world where I cook my own food and set my own curfew, and searching for a place where I can use my talents and passion to shut misery out of life and rediscover the feeling of swinging over dandelions, barefoot and covered in rashes, but completely and entirely happy.
I’m terrified and excited about attending
Friday, April 8, 2011
Just chill.
New title. Different, right?
When I started this blog, I had no idea what to name it. I decided on Life, As I Like It because of the play my name came from...but I didn't ever really think of that as the name of my blog.
Unmasked is the name I couldn't think of.
High school builds up a lot of walls for some people. They hide behind status, or pretending to be what people expect. But high school didn't build walls around me. It tore them down.
I remembered what honesty feels like.
The wisest woman I ever met told me, "Rosalind, just be." When I don't know what I am, and I don't know what I would do, I remember to shut up and stop self-analyzing. I remember I don't have to calculate every move I make. I remember that I can do what I need to do and stop worrying about why I do it and how it reflects on my personality. I remember I don't need to choose actions in order to reflect who I am...who I am will come naturally through whatever action I want.
It's a complicated piece of advice, and it's hard to understand. It sounds simple if you don't get it. But for a teenage girl who was always trying to show her character traits through what she did, it was a revelation--I can say something mean when I'm angry, and it doesn't mean that I am a vicious person. I can tear my room apart and throw everything out the window, and it doesn't mean I'm a messy person. Minutes don't define me. And I don't have to discover me. I AM me. So whatever I feel like doing, that is me in that moment....and I don't have to worry about if I am being real or fake, because at that time, that is REAL for me.
I didn't want to over-explain, but I did want to write it so you understand what being is. ...but I guess some people will identify with it, and others won't. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered.
Anyway, my journey to being is incomplete, because it takes every day releasing analysis and accepting myself as real, so it won't ever really be over.
I chose unmasked not because I wore a mask only to others, though that is true, but because I found myself. I found myself in NOT finding myself. I stopped looking. I started existing...or acknowledging my existence. I wonder how many people try to find themselves, when what they should be doing is sitting still and feeling their heart beat and their skin tingle--that is real.
Trying to define ourselves with character traits and hobbies is like trying to shove a batch of cookie dough into a little spoon. It is impossible to capture the vibrancy and elasticity of our humanity. And expecting someone to always act a certain way, defined by their characteristics, is unrealistic. Kind people can be cruel. Optimists can lose hope. That doesn't mean they are kind or cruel, optimistic or pessimistic. The truth is, traits are stupid. I'm not kind. I'm not mean. I'm just me, and different situations will reveal different aspects of me, but that shouldn't make me two-dimensional.
Stop trying to put a name on yourself. The only name you really need is the one on your birth certificate. Stop trying to do what people expect you to do. And by people, I mean you. Stop being a backseat driver, and get in the drivers seat. Live your life, without the constant commentary and analysis.
...advice I can give, but can barely take. Still, what can we do but try? Unmasking is painful. The other word I considered for my blog was bare. Because that is what unmasked is--bare, simple, and there.
When I started this blog, I had no idea what to name it. I decided on Life, As I Like It because of the play my name came from...but I didn't ever really think of that as the name of my blog.
Unmasked is the name I couldn't think of.
High school builds up a lot of walls for some people. They hide behind status, or pretending to be what people expect. But high school didn't build walls around me. It tore them down.
I remembered what honesty feels like.
The wisest woman I ever met told me, "Rosalind, just be." When I don't know what I am, and I don't know what I would do, I remember to shut up and stop self-analyzing. I remember I don't have to calculate every move I make. I remember that I can do what I need to do and stop worrying about why I do it and how it reflects on my personality. I remember I don't need to choose actions in order to reflect who I am...who I am will come naturally through whatever action I want.
It's a complicated piece of advice, and it's hard to understand. It sounds simple if you don't get it. But for a teenage girl who was always trying to show her character traits through what she did, it was a revelation--I can say something mean when I'm angry, and it doesn't mean that I am a vicious person. I can tear my room apart and throw everything out the window, and it doesn't mean I'm a messy person. Minutes don't define me. And I don't have to discover me. I AM me. So whatever I feel like doing, that is me in that moment....and I don't have to worry about if I am being real or fake, because at that time, that is REAL for me.
I didn't want to over-explain, but I did want to write it so you understand what being is. ...but I guess some people will identify with it, and others won't. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered.
Anyway, my journey to being is incomplete, because it takes every day releasing analysis and accepting myself as real, so it won't ever really be over.
I chose unmasked not because I wore a mask only to others, though that is true, but because I found myself. I found myself in NOT finding myself. I stopped looking. I started existing...or acknowledging my existence. I wonder how many people try to find themselves, when what they should be doing is sitting still and feeling their heart beat and their skin tingle--that is real.
Trying to define ourselves with character traits and hobbies is like trying to shove a batch of cookie dough into a little spoon. It is impossible to capture the vibrancy and elasticity of our humanity. And expecting someone to always act a certain way, defined by their characteristics, is unrealistic. Kind people can be cruel. Optimists can lose hope. That doesn't mean they are kind or cruel, optimistic or pessimistic. The truth is, traits are stupid. I'm not kind. I'm not mean. I'm just me, and different situations will reveal different aspects of me, but that shouldn't make me two-dimensional.
Stop trying to put a name on yourself. The only name you really need is the one on your birth certificate. Stop trying to do what people expect you to do. And by people, I mean you. Stop being a backseat driver, and get in the drivers seat. Live your life, without the constant commentary and analysis.
...advice I can give, but can barely take. Still, what can we do but try? Unmasking is painful. The other word I considered for my blog was bare. Because that is what unmasked is--bare, simple, and there.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Pillow Talk
Sometimes you wake up and everything is just still. You have to work out what's real and what is just you complicating your life. You remember what happened and what was just a dream.
Other days it's not that simple. And it takes hours or maybe even the whole day to get to the point that you realize what is real and what is just your mind messing with you. But its painful...because dreams become so vivid that when you come back to reality, you've lost something...you have to realize those experiences didn't happen, those emotions weren't real. You wake up battered and exhausted from the dragons you've fought and the bridges you couldn't stop from burning, and reality smashes in and tells you you still have to get up and do what needs to be done.
Sometimes I think dreams are worse than reality. Then I wake up and remember who I am.
Sometimes I know it's a dream because it seems so normal, so simple....and my life isn't like that.
Sometimes I think what happens in a dream isn't out of my control...and I am responsible for my actions in them. It is so real, so emotional, and so gut-wrenching. I feel utterly aware of my circumstances...and the choices I make.
I don't know if I prefer my dreams to reality, or if it's a relief to wake up and know it didn't happen. I think I expend so much strength in my dreams that knowing it was for nothing is frustrating. I wish I got some credit for the mountains I climb in my dreams.
Then again, sometimes I wake up and want to be sick until the only thing left in my stomach is guilt from all the horrible things I did... even though it was a dream. I still did it.
It's fascinating. I don't know if I dread sleep or secretly crave it. It's seductive. Sometimes I wake up from a horrible dream and I can't help but go back to sleep...to find out if I really am that person in my dream, to see what I do....to judge.
I remember my past dreams while I spin new ones. Relationships grow. Scenery comes back from past dreams. They aren't disjointed. They are just a different level of reality.
A level that somehow works for me.
Because in my mind, the world is what I need it to be. It might be harsh. Even cruel. Or sometimes too good to be true. Usually it is two extremes mixed together. But that's something I understand. It isn't foreign to me. I know to expect the worst or the best.
Maybe I'm overwhelmed trying to find balance in reality when I am such an alien to it. Maybe my dreams are an escape, where things make sense, and I can be god and devil and somehow it works.
Who am I in real life? How am I supposed to decide that? Who can decide what traits are inherent, when every feasible characteristic ebbs and flows with time... and who I am and what I do in the moment is never consistent.
At least in my nightmares, I don't have to decide. I can be extreme and insane, and no one thinks it is strange, because that is the world I dream in.
Other days it's not that simple. And it takes hours or maybe even the whole day to get to the point that you realize what is real and what is just your mind messing with you. But its painful...because dreams become so vivid that when you come back to reality, you've lost something...you have to realize those experiences didn't happen, those emotions weren't real. You wake up battered and exhausted from the dragons you've fought and the bridges you couldn't stop from burning, and reality smashes in and tells you you still have to get up and do what needs to be done.
Sometimes I think dreams are worse than reality. Then I wake up and remember who I am.
Sometimes I know it's a dream because it seems so normal, so simple....and my life isn't like that.
Sometimes I think what happens in a dream isn't out of my control...and I am responsible for my actions in them. It is so real, so emotional, and so gut-wrenching. I feel utterly aware of my circumstances...and the choices I make.
I don't know if I prefer my dreams to reality, or if it's a relief to wake up and know it didn't happen. I think I expend so much strength in my dreams that knowing it was for nothing is frustrating. I wish I got some credit for the mountains I climb in my dreams.
Then again, sometimes I wake up and want to be sick until the only thing left in my stomach is guilt from all the horrible things I did... even though it was a dream. I still did it.
It's fascinating. I don't know if I dread sleep or secretly crave it. It's seductive. Sometimes I wake up from a horrible dream and I can't help but go back to sleep...to find out if I really am that person in my dream, to see what I do....to judge.
I remember my past dreams while I spin new ones. Relationships grow. Scenery comes back from past dreams. They aren't disjointed. They are just a different level of reality.
A level that somehow works for me.
Because in my mind, the world is what I need it to be. It might be harsh. Even cruel. Or sometimes too good to be true. Usually it is two extremes mixed together. But that's something I understand. It isn't foreign to me. I know to expect the worst or the best.
Maybe I'm overwhelmed trying to find balance in reality when I am such an alien to it. Maybe my dreams are an escape, where things make sense, and I can be god and devil and somehow it works.
Who am I in real life? How am I supposed to decide that? Who can decide what traits are inherent, when every feasible characteristic ebbs and flows with time... and who I am and what I do in the moment is never consistent.
At least in my nightmares, I don't have to decide. I can be extreme and insane, and no one thinks it is strange, because that is the world I dream in.
Friday, November 5, 2010
My 4 BEST FRIENDS EVER!!
I slept in late today, spent 45 minutes in the bathtub BEFORE taking a shower, and read Laura Ingalls Wilder books into the afternoon. I finished up my college application with the help of Mom and Mary Bethie, and I called BYU to tell them that the ACT score showing up was the WRONG ONE and I deserved ONE MORE POINT. Because, you know, that's a big difference.
It was a quiet day in spanks and a t-shirt, wrapped up in a blanket with no makeup. I didn't really talk to any friends, and I didn't run or dance much. My hand is hurting less, and my ankles are relaxing from their smashing and twisting last night, and I felt less nauseated than usual...It was a good, quiet, relaxing day.
What I do feel right now is completely and totally miserable that my sisters aren't here to laugh and eat and watch bones with me. I miss giving endless back rubs. I miss staying up late talking and going shopping and for walks. I miss convincing Mom to let us watch a movie. I miss cooking and even cleaning (or avoiding it). I miss talking about boys with Elise. I really really miss all of my sisters and Rachael and I are intensely jealous that 3 of us are all together in Utah!! I am so anxious for Christmas to get here so I can hug everyone till they push me away, and we can stay up late eating and talking and remembering to whisper because Dad will come knocking on the door. I want to read scriptures with Elise and talk about books (and get new ones to read!!) with Mary Beth. I want to grump about Ruth making me get water or food for her when it's only 2 feet away from her hand. I want to pretend I like the eggplant Rachael hides in all of her food. I MISS MY SISTERS SO MUCH!!! the other day I was thinking about all the friends I've ever had, and feeling upset that somehow all of those friendships eventually faded or ended...and that sometimes I get tired of being friends with someone and want them to go away. I was flooded with joy when I remembered my 4 best friends, girls who are beautiful and talented and intelligent, and no matter what they will always be exciting and fun and MINE. I love you all so much, and I am excited to share my life with you for FOREVER. No matter WHAT, we will always be best friends.
It was a quiet day in spanks and a t-shirt, wrapped up in a blanket with no makeup. I didn't really talk to any friends, and I didn't run or dance much. My hand is hurting less, and my ankles are relaxing from their smashing and twisting last night, and I felt less nauseated than usual...It was a good, quiet, relaxing day.
What I do feel right now is completely and totally miserable that my sisters aren't here to laugh and eat and watch bones with me. I miss giving endless back rubs. I miss staying up late talking and going shopping and for walks. I miss convincing Mom to let us watch a movie. I miss cooking and even cleaning (or avoiding it). I miss talking about boys with Elise. I really really miss all of my sisters and Rachael and I are intensely jealous that 3 of us are all together in Utah!! I am so anxious for Christmas to get here so I can hug everyone till they push me away, and we can stay up late eating and talking and remembering to whisper because Dad will come knocking on the door. I want to read scriptures with Elise and talk about books (and get new ones to read!!) with Mary Beth. I want to grump about Ruth making me get water or food for her when it's only 2 feet away from her hand. I want to pretend I like the eggplant Rachael hides in all of her food. I MISS MY SISTERS SO MUCH!!! the other day I was thinking about all the friends I've ever had, and feeling upset that somehow all of those friendships eventually faded or ended...and that sometimes I get tired of being friends with someone and want them to go away. I was flooded with joy when I remembered my 4 best friends, girls who are beautiful and talented and intelligent, and no matter what they will always be exciting and fun and MINE. I love you all so much, and I am excited to share my life with you for FOREVER. No matter WHAT, we will always be best friends.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
elegy for beowulf
High the height of Grendel’s head
Murdering maw, payer of warrior’s wages
Bones broken for their braveness.
He, horror of Heorot, bloodied the bright banquets.
Head of hell, Dane-destroyer.
Brave the blood in Beowulf’s veins.
Salvation to strangers, God-given charity,
Strength revolutionary.
Far from Geatland sailed he, his goal framed gallantly.
Veins valorous, noble man.
Fool the fiend, to seek to strive
With that great Geat. Too late! Far flown the time to flee.
Yet ran he, leaving, they write,
An arm. An arm, ripped from its rest by Geat so brave.
Strife-sacked, Blood-biter ran dead.
Good the Geat who sailing home
Brought glory to his king with great gifts and stories
Handsome to hear and behold.
Triumphant over evil, yet humble was he.
Home from Heorot, the destined king.
Long the length of time he served
Protecting his people, vanquishing the vermin
Of Cain’s cursed loins. The dragon,
Gold-greedy, wreaked havoc, angry as a lion,
Served burnt fields and fright to Geatland.
Right the ruler who stands to fight.
But savage snapping snake, fooler of Eve, that demon,
Knows much of inflicting pain.
Heavy the toll of the blows, loud the battle din.
Fight on, may angels lead you.
Dark the day when brave men bow
Abandoned by friends, forsaken by the trusted.
Fighting weary and weakened,
The fiery flower of youth fallen and faded
Bow to weight of age and time.
Oh my king, my lord,
You’ll not fight alone!
I’m weak and young, the least of your host.
But to you, my lord, I’ll run to your aid.
Stand steady, my lord,
You’ll not fight alone.
Gone the Geat, my lord, my liege.
The snake struck shoulder with foul fangs; his days were spent.
Cries of anguish tore the night.
The lizard, dead by Beowulf’s blow, healed not the split,
Liege lord, nor the split in my heart.
Oh my king, my lord,
You’ll not fight alone!
I am weak and young, the least of your host.
But for you, my lord, I’ll fight for your cause.
Steady me, my lord,
I’ll not fight alone.
Friday, October 8, 2010
stop and take a couple seconds~~~
stop.
stop speaking, stop listening, stop moving.
get back in touch with your body...speak to your skin, listen to your heartbeat, move your focus within.
lie still, and remember what it feels like to be able to feel.
mmkay, now go back into hell. gofightwin!!!!
stop speaking, stop listening, stop moving.
get back in touch with your body...speak to your skin, listen to your heartbeat, move your focus within.
lie still, and remember what it feels like to be able to feel.
mmkay, now go back into hell. gofightwin!!!!
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