this is what i feel:
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and it hurts.

86 lovers

1. i love lying on the driveway and looking up at the stars on a warm and breezy night
2. i love waking with sun streaming through my window and birds arguing in the trees
3. i love planning road trips and vacations with my friends and family
4. i love counting down days
   
5. i love finishing something I've been dreading
6. i love cinnamon toast
7. i love texts from justin torrance. they are so weird
8. i love looking at pictures that i'm pretty in. it makes me feel good about myself
9. i love having nice-looking nails
10. i love making people laugh
11. i love falling asleep in church while mom scratches my back
12. i love finding a song that says exactly what i feel
13. i love coming up with great comebacks that make me feel like a ninja that just hit their target
14. i love catching someone looking at me and knowing they think i'm pretty
15. i love dancing to lady gaga and beyonce
16. i love messing up mom and dad's bed just after they've made it
17. i love sleeping in until 2 minutes before seminary so mom spazes out and thinks i forgot...and showing up on time
18. i love reading scriptures while i eat grapes
19. i love getting new music
20. i love wearing my hair straight
21. i love my new jean capri pants
22. i love bonfires
23. i love making new friends
24. i love birthdays
25. i love turning my music up as loud as it can go and dancing and singing like a freak in my clean room
26. i love when the stain comes out in the wash
27. i love heels. they may be shoes invented by guys to make girls' butts look smaller, but i love them
28. i love action movies
29. i love listening to a rap/ghetto song that i know all the lyrics to, and feeling awesome when i break it downn!!
30. i love tipping mom over when she is trying to hold a difficult yoga pose
31. i love hugging daddy when he gets home from work
32. i love the anticipation before the disappointment
33. i love re-reading a peice i've just written and realizing that it is fantastic
34. i love having clean-shaven legs
35. i love when a boy picks a flower and puts it in my hair
36. i love walking with my friends to class
37. i love talking all through math class and laughing so hard i cant breathe
38. i love smiling, it makes everything feel like it's under control
39. i love second chances
40. i love new earrings
41. i love that just-brushed clean feeling ;)
42. i love my happy days
43. i love running in the rain
44. i love the second kiss
45. i love sleeping with 4 pillows
46. i love walking barefoot in the grass
47. i love swinging on the swing set until i feel like i am going to throw up
48. i love sitting in barnes and noble and reading childrens books by myself, or doing mad libs with friends
49. i love cedar point
50. i love the nice boys
51. i love staying up late with dad when mom is in bed
52. i love interrupting scripture study with inapplicable comments or questions
53. i love the real moments
54. i love talking to my sisters on the phone
55. i love hearing the girls say, "rosinn!!!"
56. i love audrey hepburn
57. i love doing community service bake sale prep...singing at the top of our voices to kelly clarkson and rhianna, and showing each other sweet hip hop moves...i learned how to take of a hoodie with my foot!! ...and eating rice krispy treats and pizza and gossiping...fun fun
58. i love miss kubinski's class...i love her insight and her willingness to say, "umm...no. that's wrong," to the stupid comments, and her little eye rolls when the obnoxious kid says something...and i love her concern and honesty for her students
59. i love my seminar
60. i love being able to say "im allergic to dogs" so they get their stupid animal away from me
61. i love taking boys shopping
62. i love girls' night...chick flicks, junk food, shopping, makeovers...ohh yeah
63. i love white t-shirts and jeans
64. i love juicy oranges
65. i love sweating through my shirt
66. i love mastering a really hard breakdance move... and forgetting it so i have to re-learn it the next day...but it's so much easier the second time :)
67. i love getting home frustrated with all the bad singers who belt their songs and people think they're awesome, so i sit down and sing opera till my voice is dry...and feel better cuz they couldn't to save their lives
68. i love challenging authority
69. i love making my friends feel better, even if we don't talk about the problem
70. i love driving home with marlee every day and pausing at the mall or culvers' on the way
71. i love finishing up the school year
72. i love pulling up my grades at the last minute
73. i love new pencils
74. i love people playing with my hair
75. i love releasing after holding a stretch for a long time....especially stretching for splits
76. i love feeling really warmed up, so i sound good singing anything
77. i love writing in my journal
78. i love roses
79. i love being able to put my emotions aside and do what i know i should even if i don't want to...because i have to stick with my reputation, i can't say one thing and do another...and i have to stick up for myself. some things shouldn't be forgiven, or at least not forgotten
80. i love my sisters
81. i love hanging out with myself
82. i love recharging my phone and realizing i have 3 missed calls, 2 voice messages, and 9 text messages, all from different people
83. i love watching my hair grow out so i can put increasing amounts of hair in a ponytail :)
84. i love waiting to see how long it takes people to notice i have a new blog post
85. i love being able to stick to something, not changing my mind at the last minute
86. i love the feeling of hope

yay spring.

During the musical, Zada and I used to hide under the bed backstage and watch for people coming through the see-through fabric of the bedspread... and we commentated their steps in growly monster voices. "Right. Left. Right. Left. Stop. Turn. Right. Right. Left. Right. Stop. Bend over. YOU FOUND ME!!!" we did it every single night during intermission, before the show, ect...it was so fun. People always got so confused, because they thought they were alone in the empty hall...

Today, as I walked to class and to my car, I could hear us in my head...right, left, right left. The funny voices were gone. And I realized that I was not commentating my movements--I was trying to motivate them.

It wasn't funny anymore.

welll im in a good mood.

dance has gone really well, i love love love my tap class....

and i danced soo hard yesterday, and im not sore at all, i feel GREATT!!!!!! it was almost easy, and after practicing it and getting it in my muscle memory so i wouldnt have to think about it, it was just effortless. except for the sweat pouring down my back, but i can deal with that.

today i gave my speech, and i completley and totally went up unprepared, but everyone said i looked so confident and i was very assertive, and my speech was really interesting and engaging and they liked it!!! yay!!

after school a couple kids from mt came over...we practiced dance till our clothes were soaked, made up our choreography for tomorrow, practiced monologues, ate ice cream, went running, threw walnuts at passing cars, and critiqued eachothers performances. it was so fun...i love theater kids

i am really loving my classes, too. they are hard, but i love how they challenge me. i love the people in them and ive made new friends already. a few need to learn how to keep their hands to themselves, but they'll catch on after they've had them slapped a few times...usual drill. ;)

and lets just say being able to come home during lunch saved my butt today...normally i would have had to call mom, go home and change, and come back...so yeahh it was nice to be able to just leave. :D you would think i would learn to be more prepared..hahaha.

and i am definitley losing weight. yesss. i just LOOK thinner. and yeahh it feels good. totally worth the food i skip out on and the sweat i lose in constant running and dancing.

aaaannnd i have tentative plans for this weekend...just waiting for the response from this guy... i really hope it works out, i'll feel horrible if it doesnt...i dont even know HOW many times he's asked me out, and i've always had a good reason why i cant....family in town, homework, can't drive, hanging out with friends, going to camp, ect ect... but he keeps trying and it makes me feel really sorry for him. clarification: that is definitley NOT why i want to hang out with him. He is pretty dang awesome. I don't do pity dates. anyway. i really hope we can get together this weekend, because i have free passes to gokarting and theres a ton of other stuff we can do...fun fun. :D

uggh. school is starting to get to me...still, im on top of my work...so yay.
only thing im really looking forward to is dancing my butt off tomorrow...for 2 hours and 45 minutes. the next day is an easy one, only 2 hours. halleluja. my life is so great.

so im not really sure how im feeling. i think i did something that may or may not end up blowing up in my face...if it doenst, itll be great, but if it does i am dead dead dead. i guess you just have to take risks in life sometimes. but im getting a feeling this is a risk i could have lived without taking.

my feet kill right now.

and i am very hungry. i had a peice of toast for breakfast, and two peices of toast for lunch. hmmm. not a very balanced diet.....i should fix that, but im too lazy. haha.

im just exhausted...from everything. sleep deprivation, hard work, excercise, and social stress. blaahhh.

i guess i just feel... i dont even know...

im trying to figure out who i am, and who i want to be. and i just dont see anything...i have an idea of things i want to do, except not since im soo confused...but right now im just lost. what do i believe? how do i feel about stuff? what is my reaction to that? who the heck am i?? its not really set. i could be whatever i want to be. i could be shy or stupid or smart or outgoing or slutty or conservative if i wanted to be...ive always felt like i knew who i was and what i was like, and i could write a description of my characteristics noo problemm... now i dont know. i dont even know if im tall or short, thin or in need of losing a few. i dont know my own mind, and ive always been so opinionated and certain of everything.

all i know is i love music.

i dont know if i can say anything else about myself for certain.

My Smiles

I really don't have much to blog about, so I'll just write the good things.
fresh blueberries
Pantenne shampoo and conditioner
talking on the phone with elise
new makeup
camelback waterbottles
baguettes and brie
clean, green grass
a full tank
new towels
paycheck
finishing a good book
fruit leather
fully charged phone
white dresses
clean, tight jeans
carmex
chinn chinn's
late night walks
giving rachael hand massages
bear claw
watching the stars come out
painted toes
sweating...i know thats weird but when i'm running and sweating so bad it feels amazing
looking at the moon...and crying because it is so beautiful
losing weight
complimenting strangers
hot sun
kiwi
flowers in a vase
going to south haven with mom and dad....and walking along the pier in the rain and storm
big rings
belly laughs
quelf
pictures
writing in my journal after a simple, uneventful, good good good day
waking up with a cold breeze on my back
wild rice
being alone
straightening ruth's hair
smiling
driving with the windows down
shopping with friends
bonfires
back rubs
funny stories
hearing people use big words...and knowing what they mean!!
invitations
staying up late just to sit alone in the dark, listening to the silence, the peace
singing
knowing you made someone happy
a new razor
contemplating college!!!
night lights
meowing at yappy dogs
ultimate frisbee
hanging out with mom
kisses
sunglasses
mail
the picture elise sent me!!
walking in the rain
funny stories
random texts
bad movie nights with mary beth
playing what not to wear at target
new swimming suits
visiting kim and angus
raspberry lemonade
my little neices and nephew
paintballing
canoeing
dates
dances with emily!!
pranks
capture the flag
loud music
waking up completley well-rested

well, those are the things i can think of right now that make me happy. what are your smiles?

A weekend at the temple with Kim, Mom, and Dad

So it turns out I've been in a really really bad mood the past few weeks. I didn't realize how miserable I was until Kim stepped into the car Friday night, and suddenly I was unbelievably and incredibly happy. I had forgotten how happy I can be. The ride up to Chicago was a blast, we were so loud and crazy and I felt like an 11-year-old I was laughing so much. I felt completely and totally myself...I was way more outgoing and friendly, and talked to pretty much everyone we passed and sat around in the restaurant Kim picked out... I asked the people waiting next to us what food they liked, and that started a conversation with them...I stopped in the middle of a conversation with Kim to tell a man passing us that I loved his shirt...it was purple. Turns out he was the manager...so WHY did we not get free dessert? ;) And we made really good friends with our waiter. In another restaurant on Saturday I made friends with a lady in the restroom, and we somehow started talking about her job--she teaches 6th grade history. I said, "Ohh I loved 6th grade history, I loved studying the different cultures in the world." She asked if I was a teacher, and what my subject was. I laughed and said, "Oh, no, I'm not." She said, "What is your profession?" I laughed again, "I'm 16." "SIXTEEN? Wow...you really don't--goodness. Well, compliments to you, you are no average sixteen-year-old!!" I laughed and told her to have a great school year as she left. Kim came out of the stall grinning. Anyway, I was just much more friendly and happy and random... more like myself than I've been in weeks!! It felt good to be back.

It also felt good to fall back into the traditions Kim and I have developed over the years...roommate scripture study, devotional and prayer, getting up too early, eating breakfast and playing egyptian rat screw, and falling back asleep...getting ready together and sharing eyeliner and such things. I like going out to eat with Kim, because it's like getting two meals...we just automatically share. She had a really good rice pilaf and steak quesadilla that I attacked while she massacred my mashed potatoes and french onion soup.

The temple was beautiful as always, though a little rushed. I would have liked to have a few minutes to sit in the waiting room and read scriptures, instead of being rushed about and told to change as fast as I could...and have problems with sizing...they gave me a small, and I needed an extra large. Much to the consternation of the temple workers, they do NOT stretch, and I am not sorry at all for my long torso--If I fitted the clothes they gave me, I would be 4'3" and weigh 200 pounds. Thank goodness I don't. Still, It was a wonderful experience, and it was great to share it with Kim and my parents. I think one of my favorite feelings in the world is reaching out to take Daddy's hand as I step into the font...and seeing his smile, and hearing Hannah's name inside my head...I rarely think of her, anymore...but I never step into the font without her name bursting out of nowhere into my head. Hannah, it's been 4 years since I was baptized for you, and I don't think I'll ever do temple work without hearing your name. I'll remember.

I've also decided one of the most beautiful things in the world is Mom in her temple clothes...I was watching her standing against the wall in a simple, flowing white dress....and her dark skin, hair and eyes were striking in contrast. She is so gorgeous.

I don't really have much to write about...I'm just in a really good mood. I'm so excited for seminary to start, and I'm not completely dreading school. I've decided that I don't really need friends, acquaintances are good enough. I'm not going to go into school looking for a Kim that isn't there. I'll just focus on school, voice, work, and the musicals, and visit Kim and Angus as often as I can, and hang out with my family the rest of the time. I've become really good friends with Mom and Dad, and I want to make these last few years special, because I know if I waste my time being rebellious and difficult I won't ever get a chance to do these years over. Maybe I'll try to make new friends in the stake, too...all of my old friends are gone...Emily, Justin, Eric, Aubrey...Jessica McInnes is moving to Vegas in a few months.

I applied for a job at Aeropostale...we'll see how that goes. Mom and I have come to an agreement that I can work 10 hours a week, if I keep my grades up. Which I will. ;)

Yeahhh, I guess I have a pretty boring life, but I had to give my sisters SOMETHING to read... see, this is why I never post!! It's boring, and what isn't I really can't say online. ;)