My body is alive.
I feel the energy twisting around in my core.
My heart is beating and my blood is flowing and my nerves are tensing to react to my world.
I open my eyes.
Lying in bed, I breathe in the joy of BEING. I smile, snatch up my glasses, and sit up.
My room is cleanish. It has a few shirts on the floor and yesterday's skinny jeans wadded up where i dropped them before climbing into bed. My mousse and hairspray are on my bookcase instead of the basket where they belong, because they are closer to the mirror there. My bed is under the window, my clothes are color coded into place in the closet.
Same old.
And it doesn't work for me.
Today is different. I am alive today, and the world is watching me. My room can't be like this...It represents me. It's time for a change.
Around 7 a.m. the house wakes up, and my furniture is rearranged, my floor is vacuumed, and my not-good-enough clothes are in bags to get dumped somewhere else.
I don't have plans, I don't have anywhere to be, but I shower and do my hair and makeup so I look like the knockout I am, because there is no WAY I'm staying around the house today in THIS mood. Today, I will be out there being fun and gorgeous and spontaneous, and everyone else will be rushing to keep up with me. Today, I am at the top of my game. I'm going to kiss a boy....I'll decide who later. I'm going to buy a new outfit because anything I already have, I ALREADY HAVE. Something new. Something hott....just not as hot as me. Duh, that's not possible.
Welcome to Mania.
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I've called 6 girls and no one can go to the mall.
Losers. So what if I didn't plan this yesterday? I want to go, and I'll go without them...I don't want to wait for them anyway.
So I go by myself. My head is up, and I have the sparkle in my eye that says "I know you're looking at me. Can't help being awesome."
But all the stores suck. And I can't find anything I like.
Panic.
My stomach tightens, I feel shaky, and I am angry and frustrated and I am NOT leaving this building until I find something that WINS.
If I don't, I've failed, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, nothing fits, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I hate malls!!!!
Panic.
Well, I know I'm being silly.
I go to Wal Mart and buy one of their cute v-neck tees that are super loose... only 5 bucks, but it'll give me the same calm and satisfaction. It's buying something that looks good on me... not as good as me, but the world isn't perfect.
Later that night, I'm driving home from something that didn't feel as good as it was supposed to and what if I'm bored of kissing and I'm irritated and completely unsatisfied.
My core is uncomfortable.
And my mind is uneasy...
I don't feel fabulous, I feel depressed and I want everything I can't have. I don't have a jawline and my stomach isn't flat and I hate clothes, why can't everyone just be naked, I look better naked than in clothes anyway, clothes make me look fat, and nothing is satisfying, and my stomach won't stop feeling CRAPPY, and I feel lonely and angry and dissapointed.
I don't want a boy toy. I want a relationship.
...but if I had woken up this morning with a boyfriend, I would have called him to break up.
I lean against my bed, and, feeling bored, lonely, but still fascinated with how awesome my body is, I start picking at the little not-so-awesome things. I hate that mole...I want it to go away, It looks ugly!!
5 minutes later, I'm watching the blood slide down my side from what used to be a little imperfection on my stomach.
That'll scar.
But I feel more relaxed. Pain does that to you. It really does make you feel better... It's a free drug to your brain, a fast yoga class, and a fascinating phenomenon. One second I'm whole, the next I'm bleeding...blood is beautiful. Good invention, Heavenly Father...It is so romantic and sad at the same time.
My brain hurts and I'm tired and irritated and this day sucked.
I fall asleep, staining the sheets, and I wake up to a weary and listless day...
A day in my 16-year-old life.
