Just chill.

New title. Different, right?

When I started this blog, I had no idea what to name it. I decided on Life, As I Like It because of the play my name came from...but I didn't ever really think of that as the name of my blog.
Unmasked is the name I couldn't think of.

High school builds up a lot of walls for some people. They hide behind status, or pretending to be what people expect. But high school didn't build walls around me. It tore them down.
I remembered what honesty feels like.

The wisest woman I ever met told me, "Rosalind, just be." When I don't know what I am, and I don't know what I would do, I remember to shut up and stop self-analyzing. I remember I don't have to calculate every move I make. I remember that I can do what I need to do and stop worrying about why I do it and how it reflects on my personality. I remember I don't need to choose actions in order to reflect who I am...who I am will come naturally through whatever action I want.

It's a complicated piece of advice, and it's hard to understand. It sounds simple if you don't get it. But for a teenage girl who was always trying to show her character traits through what she did, it was a revelation--I can say something mean when I'm angry, and it doesn't mean that I am a vicious person. I can tear my room apart and throw everything out the window, and it doesn't mean I'm a messy person. Minutes don't define me. And I don't have to discover me. I AM me. So whatever I feel like doing, that is me in that moment....and I don't have to worry about if I am being real or fake, because at that time, that is REAL for me.

I didn't want to over-explain, but I did want to write it so you understand what being is. ...but I guess some people will identify with it, and others won't. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered.
Anyway, my journey to being is incomplete, because it takes every day releasing analysis and accepting myself as real, so it won't ever really be over.

I chose unmasked not because I wore a mask only to others, though that is true, but because I found myself. I found myself in NOT finding myself. I stopped looking. I started existing...or acknowledging my existence. I wonder how many people try to find themselves, when what they should be doing is sitting still and feeling their heart beat and their skin tingle--that is real.

Trying to define ourselves with character traits and hobbies is like trying to shove a batch of cookie dough into a little spoon. It is impossible to capture the vibrancy and elasticity of our humanity. And expecting someone to always act a certain way, defined by their characteristics, is unrealistic. Kind people can be cruel. Optimists can lose hope. That doesn't mean they are kind or cruel, optimistic or pessimistic. The truth is, traits are stupid. I'm not kind. I'm not mean. I'm just me, and different situations will reveal different aspects of me, but that shouldn't make me two-dimensional.

Stop trying to put a name on yourself. The only name you really need is the one on your birth certificate. Stop trying to do what people expect you to do. And by people, I mean you. Stop being a backseat driver, and get in the drivers seat. Live your life, without the constant commentary and analysis.

...advice I can give, but can barely take. Still, what can we do but try? Unmasking is painful. The other word I considered for my blog was bare. Because that is what unmasked is--bare, simple, and there.

Pillow Talk

Sometimes you wake up and everything is just still. You have to work out what's real and what is just you complicating your life. You remember what happened and what was just a dream.

Other days it's not that simple. And it takes hours or maybe even the whole day to get to the point that you realize what is real and what is just your mind messing with you. But its painful...because dreams become so vivid that when you come back to reality, you've lost something...you have to realize those experiences didn't happen, those emotions weren't real. You wake up battered and exhausted from the dragons you've fought and the bridges you couldn't stop from burning, and reality smashes in and tells you you still have to get up and do what needs to be done.

Sometimes I think dreams are worse than reality. Then I wake up and remember who I am.

Sometimes I know it's a dream because it seems so normal, so simple....and my life isn't like that.

Sometimes I think what happens in a dream isn't out of my control...and I am responsible for my actions in them. It is so real, so emotional, and so gut-wrenching. I feel utterly aware of my circumstances...and the choices I make.

I don't know if I prefer my dreams to reality, or if it's a relief to wake up and know it didn't happen. I think I expend so much strength in my dreams that knowing it was for nothing is frustrating. I wish I got some credit for the mountains I climb in my dreams.

Then again, sometimes I wake up and want to be sick until the only thing left in my stomach is guilt from all the horrible things I did... even though it was a dream. I still did it.

It's fascinating. I don't know if I dread sleep or secretly crave it. It's seductive. Sometimes I wake up from a horrible dream and I can't help but go back to sleep...to find out if I really am that person in my dream, to see what I do....to judge.

I remember my past dreams while I spin new ones. Relationships grow. Scenery comes back from past dreams. They aren't disjointed. They are just a different level of reality.

A level that somehow works for me.

Because in my mind, the world is what I need it to be. It might be harsh. Even cruel. Or sometimes too good to be true. Usually it is two extremes mixed together. But that's something I understand. It isn't foreign to me. I know to expect the worst or the best.

Maybe I'm overwhelmed trying to find balance in reality when I am such an alien to it. Maybe my dreams are an escape, where things make sense, and I can be god and devil and somehow it works.

Who am I in real life? How am I supposed to decide that? Who can decide what traits are inherent, when every feasible characteristic ebbs and flows with time... and who I am and what I do in the moment is never consistent.

At least in my nightmares, I don't have to decide. I can be extreme and insane, and no one thinks it is strange, because that is the world I dream in.

My 4 BEST FRIENDS EVER!!

I slept in late today, spent 45 minutes in the bathtub BEFORE taking a shower, and read Laura Ingalls Wilder books into the afternoon. I finished up my college application with the help of Mom and Mary Bethie, and I called BYU to tell them that the ACT score showing up was the WRONG ONE and I deserved ONE MORE POINT. Because, you know, that's a big difference.

It was a quiet day in spanks and a t-shirt, wrapped up in a blanket with no makeup. I didn't really talk to any friends, and I didn't run or dance much. My hand is hurting less, and my ankles are relaxing from their smashing and twisting last night, and I felt less nauseated than usual...It was a good, quiet, relaxing day.

What I do feel right now is completely and totally miserable that my sisters aren't here to laugh and eat and watch bones with me. I miss giving endless back rubs. I miss staying up late talking and going shopping and for walks. I miss convincing Mom to let us watch a movie. I miss cooking and even cleaning (or avoiding it). I miss talking about boys with Elise. I really really miss all of my sisters and Rachael and I are intensely jealous that 3 of us are all together in Utah!! I am so anxious for Christmas to get here so I can hug everyone till they push me away, and we can stay up late eating and talking and remembering to whisper because Dad will come knocking on the door. I want to read scriptures with Elise and talk about books (and get new ones to read!!) with Mary Beth. I want to grump about Ruth making me get water or food for her when it's only 2 feet away from her hand. I want to pretend I like the eggplant Rachael hides in all of her food. I MISS MY SISTERS SO MUCH!!! the other day I was thinking about all the friends I've ever had, and feeling upset that somehow all of those friendships eventually faded or ended...and that sometimes I get tired of being friends with someone and want them to go away. I was flooded with joy when I remembered my 4 best friends, girls who are beautiful and talented and intelligent, and no matter what they will always be exciting and fun and MINE. I love you all so much, and I am excited to share my life with you for FOREVER. No matter WHAT, we will always be best friends.

elegy for beowulf

High the height of Grendel’s head

Murdering maw, payer of warrior’s wages

Bones broken for their braveness.

He, horror of Heorot, bloodied the bright banquets.

Head of hell, Dane-destroyer.

Brave the blood in Beowulf’s veins.

Salvation to strangers, God-given charity,

Strength revolutionary.

Far from Geatland sailed he, his goal framed gallantly.

Veins valorous, noble man.

Fool the fiend, to seek to strive

With that great Geat. Too late! Far flown the time to flee.

Yet ran he, leaving, they write,

An arm. An arm, ripped from its rest by Geat so brave.

Strife-sacked, Blood-biter ran dead.

Good the Geat who sailing home

Brought glory to his king with great gifts and stories

Handsome to hear and behold.

Triumphant over evil, yet humble was he.

Home from Heorot, the destined king.

Long the length of time he served

Protecting his people, vanquishing the vermin

Of Cain’s cursed loins. The dragon,

Gold-greedy, wreaked havoc, angry as a lion,

Served burnt fields and fright to Geatland.

Right the ruler who stands to fight.

But savage snapping snake, fooler of Eve, that demon,

Knows much of inflicting pain.

Heavy the toll of the blows, loud the battle din.

Fight on, may angels lead you.

Dark the day when brave men bow

Abandoned by friends, forsaken by the trusted.

Fighting weary and weakened,

The fiery flower of youth fallen and faded

Bow to weight of age and time.

Oh my king, my lord,

You’ll not fight alone!

I’m weak and young, the least of your host.

But to you, my lord, I’ll run to your aid.

Stand steady, my lord,

You’ll not fight alone.

Gone the Geat, my lord, my liege.

The snake struck shoulder with foul fangs; his days were spent.

Cries of anguish tore the night.

The lizard, dead by Beowulf’s blow, healed not the split,

Liege lord, nor the split in my heart.

Oh my king, my lord,

You’ll not fight alone!

I am weak and young, the least of your host.

But for you, my lord, I’ll fight for your cause.

Steady me, my lord,

I’ll not fight alone.

stop and take a couple seconds~~~

stop.
stop speaking, stop listening, stop moving.
get back in touch with your body...speak to your skin, listen to your heartbeat, move your focus within.
lie still, and remember what it feels like to be able to feel.

mmkay, now go back into hell. gofightwin!!!!

this is what i feel:
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and it hurts.

86 lovers

1. i love lying on the driveway and looking up at the stars on a warm and breezy night
2. i love waking with sun streaming through my window and birds arguing in the trees
3. i love planning road trips and vacations with my friends and family
4. i love counting down days
   
5. i love finishing something I've been dreading
6. i love cinnamon toast
7. i love texts from justin torrance. they are so weird
8. i love looking at pictures that i'm pretty in. it makes me feel good about myself
9. i love having nice-looking nails
10. i love making people laugh
11. i love falling asleep in church while mom scratches my back
12. i love finding a song that says exactly what i feel
13. i love coming up with great comebacks that make me feel like a ninja that just hit their target
14. i love catching someone looking at me and knowing they think i'm pretty
15. i love dancing to lady gaga and beyonce
16. i love messing up mom and dad's bed just after they've made it
17. i love sleeping in until 2 minutes before seminary so mom spazes out and thinks i forgot...and showing up on time
18. i love reading scriptures while i eat grapes
19. i love getting new music
20. i love wearing my hair straight
21. i love my new jean capri pants
22. i love bonfires
23. i love making new friends
24. i love birthdays
25. i love turning my music up as loud as it can go and dancing and singing like a freak in my clean room
26. i love when the stain comes out in the wash
27. i love heels. they may be shoes invented by guys to make girls' butts look smaller, but i love them
28. i love action movies
29. i love listening to a rap/ghetto song that i know all the lyrics to, and feeling awesome when i break it downn!!
30. i love tipping mom over when she is trying to hold a difficult yoga pose
31. i love hugging daddy when he gets home from work
32. i love the anticipation before the disappointment
33. i love re-reading a peice i've just written and realizing that it is fantastic
34. i love having clean-shaven legs
35. i love when a boy picks a flower and puts it in my hair
36. i love walking with my friends to class
37. i love talking all through math class and laughing so hard i cant breathe
38. i love smiling, it makes everything feel like it's under control
39. i love second chances
40. i love new earrings
41. i love that just-brushed clean feeling ;)
42. i love my happy days
43. i love running in the rain
44. i love the second kiss
45. i love sleeping with 4 pillows
46. i love walking barefoot in the grass
47. i love swinging on the swing set until i feel like i am going to throw up
48. i love sitting in barnes and noble and reading childrens books by myself, or doing mad libs with friends
49. i love cedar point
50. i love the nice boys
51. i love staying up late with dad when mom is in bed
52. i love interrupting scripture study with inapplicable comments or questions
53. i love the real moments
54. i love talking to my sisters on the phone
55. i love hearing the girls say, "rosinn!!!"
56. i love audrey hepburn
57. i love doing community service bake sale prep...singing at the top of our voices to kelly clarkson and rhianna, and showing each other sweet hip hop moves...i learned how to take of a hoodie with my foot!! ...and eating rice krispy treats and pizza and gossiping...fun fun
58. i love miss kubinski's class...i love her insight and her willingness to say, "umm...no. that's wrong," to the stupid comments, and her little eye rolls when the obnoxious kid says something...and i love her concern and honesty for her students
59. i love my seminar
60. i love being able to say "im allergic to dogs" so they get their stupid animal away from me
61. i love taking boys shopping
62. i love girls' night...chick flicks, junk food, shopping, makeovers...ohh yeah
63. i love white t-shirts and jeans
64. i love juicy oranges
65. i love sweating through my shirt
66. i love mastering a really hard breakdance move... and forgetting it so i have to re-learn it the next day...but it's so much easier the second time :)
67. i love getting home frustrated with all the bad singers who belt their songs and people think they're awesome, so i sit down and sing opera till my voice is dry...and feel better cuz they couldn't to save their lives
68. i love challenging authority
69. i love making my friends feel better, even if we don't talk about the problem
70. i love driving home with marlee every day and pausing at the mall or culvers' on the way
71. i love finishing up the school year
72. i love pulling up my grades at the last minute
73. i love new pencils
74. i love people playing with my hair
75. i love releasing after holding a stretch for a long time....especially stretching for splits
76. i love feeling really warmed up, so i sound good singing anything
77. i love writing in my journal
78. i love roses
79. i love being able to put my emotions aside and do what i know i should even if i don't want to...because i have to stick with my reputation, i can't say one thing and do another...and i have to stick up for myself. some things shouldn't be forgiven, or at least not forgotten
80. i love my sisters
81. i love hanging out with myself
82. i love recharging my phone and realizing i have 3 missed calls, 2 voice messages, and 9 text messages, all from different people
83. i love watching my hair grow out so i can put increasing amounts of hair in a ponytail :)
84. i love waiting to see how long it takes people to notice i have a new blog post
85. i love being able to stick to something, not changing my mind at the last minute
86. i love the feeling of hope